Big L’s | What Makes Someone A Loser?
Thoughts and ideas on success and worth
Moving at Society’s Pace
We live in a society.
No matter where or when you live, there has always been a norm to follow. These societal expectations are the standards we are expected to mirror throughout our lives. If we successfully emulate the most popular model of our time, we are considered successful and ideal. If we fall short of this predetermined rubric, we are deemed less than or a loser. This idea implies that failing to meet society’s expectations makes one a loser, as if life were a game with clear winners and losers. Do what others expect, and you win; fail, and you lose. If only life were as simple as pursuing a clearly defined goal that everyone agreed on and worked toward. Instead, we all fall short of the “ideal” in some way, whether visible to others or not. You can live your life pretending to be “That Person” or wear your scarlet “L” because you can’t see how you could ever be anything else.
How It Affects Me
If a friend came to me and said they felt like a loser because they failed to meet the criteria of being a “well-off” twenty-something, I’d tell them that was complete nonsense.
Yet, when that same narrative plays in my own head, I somehow end up surrendering to the thought. It feels like I’m constantly thinking, “Here’s the goal, and I’m way over here.” Everything seems so far out of reach. I’ve been left to ask myself how I even began to feel like this. How do I determine what makes a valuable life? Where do these ideas come from?
The obvious answer is that they are given to me by Society. Society’s ever-present command tells me I should have a certain type of career, romantic relationship, health habits, and living arrangements. I should be living my life inside a specific box; if I’m not, then I’m not doing my best.
It’s them.
Of course, the pressures of our modern Frankenstein culture are often unrealistic in their “approved” personal struggles, opportunities, and goals. Though it feels like society controls me more than I control myself, I can consciously conclude that, just like that friend, I am not a loser because I fail to meet society’s expectations. But why do I still care? What about society’s approval keeps me seeking that medal of honor?
Why?
I just want to be accepted and belong. I want to be seen as worthy and worth it to love or spend time on or with. This desire becomes a back door in my mental code for society’s rubric to infiltrate and whisper doubt throughout the halls of my mental castle. This conflict can tear down the whole kingdom, leaving me looking to that same society for help. Obviously, I’m referring to the capitalistic, every-man-for-himself patriarchy.
The clear path to being accepted and having a seat at the table is to walk the path: get a career job, a relationship, a place to live, and a few friends,’ a few friends, and all of this should fit neatly into my comfort zone. In all honesty, that seems amazing almost all the time. It feels safe and comfortable.
I sometimes know it would be easier to surrender to the beast and hop on a predetermined path with predetermined relationships. But I just can’t bring myself to do it out of fear—not fear that I’ll fail if I go that way, but fear that I’ll abandon myself in the process.
Moving at My Pace
On the other hand, what about me? Is that what I want? If there weren’t any expectations ingrained in every action, if I could be loved and accepted for just being me—no accolades or skills, just me—I know I wouldn’t want that life.
I’d want to figure things out on my own and discover all the aspects of life that excite me. They don’t have to be lavish and grand, just the things that make me feel alive.
Maybe it’s because I’m defiant, and doing what’s expected or the norm feels wrong to me, so no matter what, I have to do things my way. But also, why not find out what “my way” is? Isn’t that what people seek most anyway—their way, who they are?
I’ve allowed myself to fall into the trap of believing that when someone asks me what I do, there is a right or wrong answer. Saying that I work a low-wage, unfulfilling job feels like a terrible answer if I believe my answer should be that I run a successful business I built or am an integral part of a company—a “real” job. I feel all my thoughts, actions, and abilities are reduced to my current occupation or accomplishments.
Everyone is so much more than their resume, annual income, and living situation. Yet it feels like those are some of the first things we seek to know about each other to qualify or disqualify. We have a go-getter society where if you’re not building or doing something of approved value, you’re not contributing to the machine and, therefore, are useless to it—aka a loser.
It is impossible to be a loser!
Life isn’t a linear race from birth to death, where whoever collects more gold coins along the way wins. Life is a quest, a journey that starts when you are born and ends when you die, with all the beautiful, fulfilling parts happening everywhere in between. Just by being alive, you win. When you smile, laugh, cry, and scream, you are winning because this is what we are here for—to experience life through all our emotions for as long as possible. If you are alive and feeling anything, then you matter; you are worthy and winning.