Almost Drowning | A Metaphor Of Emotions

The Leap

I’ve always been a “know it all kind of person”, at every age I swore I just knew what I was talking about, though I often had no idea. When I was very young this mentality almost got me killed.

I was in my babysitter’s backyard, little feet dangling inside a small five foot cheap plastic pool. No older than seven, I sat and watched a small inflatable raft cricle the pool as I hatched a fool proof plan. My genuis plan required me to wait for the small inflatable raft that kept circling the pool’s current to float within a foots length of me, then and only then would I leap.

With all of my cumliative years of experinces and movies, I would soar through the air and skillfuly land on the raft floating untethered from all rules. The chains imposed on me by my babysitter’s willing me to “stay on the edge” would be broken for good.

As my “water chaiort” came closer, so did the calls of freedom and a hot summer day, beckoning my name.

I leaped, without fear or a care because I knew I could do it.

I flew through dozens of milimeters before it was my time to shine and prove my abilities. Instead, I merely scraped the raft, plummeting to the depths of the pool. Standing tall this pool was already a foot taller than me, and here I was sinking, without any idea on how to resurface. I can clearly remember my exact emotions decades later. Pure panic and overwhelm.

My babysitter’s brothers used to let me sneak into his room and watch Dragon Ball Z with his friends if I promised not to say anything. Maybe this was my moemnt? Like all good heros I just needed an exteme situition to awaken my latent power! Of course, this was it! All I needed to do was dig deep and I would be able to shoot out the top of the pool like a super sayian jumping back into battle. I felt the pool shake, and the water thrash around, my body aggressively acceded. “This was my moment”. As my head broke the surface, I quickly realized my powers unfortunately had not be awakened but instead my babysitters brother had. He was the one who pulled me out of the water.

It’s funny how in just a few moments I felt confidence, overwhelm, then relief.

Falling Of The Raft

Now at twenty something, Im in the middle of that same pattern. Currently I just fell off the “raft”.

Im realizing my confidence could have just been naivety and my raft floats above my head while I sink below what I once thought was so clear.

Except this time the moments are longer, I get the “Privillage” to live in the emotions long enough for them to transition from overwhelm, to fear, then grief, remorse…

And this time I don’t think anyone else is going to step in and save me from drowning in them.

Part of me wants to accept it, like a child who doesn’t have the strength or knowledge to figure a way out in time. Another part of me knows that’s absurd and I should be doing the little things to “swim” my way back to the top.

Im still not sure on the way out.

Fear and Scars

I was saved that day as child, but I spent the next decade afriad of the water.

One expeicerce in my childhood chained the edge, terrified to venture back into the deep end. I spent most of my life pretending around friends I was okay around water, yet it was a deep sense of insecurity for me. Even after my mom got me swimming lessons and I could “not drown” so easily, I still felt like the water was something to fear to an extent. I was always the last one in and the first one out.

Face Them Or Run Forever

I turned 21 and celebrated by going on a solo trip half way across the world to “test” myself.

While on this trip I signed up for scuba diving classes because thats what every YouTuber recommended, so how could I have not! And after all I was 21, I needed to stop being so damn scared of WATER.

I made up my mind, it was cheap, and I was already here, let’s become a certified scuba diver.

The first time my instructor told me to take a breath of air under a meter of pool water, I swear I had flash backs to being that small child in that pool. Every part of my body was screaming at me not to take that breath, but what a wonderful relief it was to let air fill my lungs while submerged. This internal struggle happened every time I descended into the training pool to take my first breath of the day.

It was an exhilarating and terrifying experience but I had an instructor with me that made me feel safe and reassured me that everything was okay .

I continued to show up everyday (slightly hungover some days) and faced this secret fear.

Until my second ocean dive…

Face to Face

The deep dark blue waters crashed against the boat below, Ominous gradient clouds raged in the skies above, and I sat on a small wooden boat with eight strangers too afraid to ask if these conditions were safe. My pride told me to refuse anything that could appear weak in front of the other experienced divers. So I sat and let my heart race as the boat thrashed about the ocean on the way to our drop site.

It was time.

Time for me to fall backwards off a shaky boat into fifteen plus years of fear. So I inched my way to the edge of the boat terrified with hands anchored, by the end of the three count my instructor immediately leaped into the water leaving me glued to the boat. The crashing waves, my ego, instructor, captain, and other divers, all called to me to let go.

I let go. I had to. I made it this far.

I let go and hit water, immediately realizing this was much worse than being on the boat. I was ripped from the perimeter of the boat. Water slammed into me, knocking my snorkel loose. I struggled to find my bearings and get my mouth piece secured as I paddled to my instructor.

I finally reached the flag marking our decent point, my eyes glued to my instructor as they guided a gentle hand up and down to remind me to breath. I was safe and this was okay. We pointed our air tubes to the sky as we sank below the surface of chaos.

Below The Surface

Once my head was submerged under the ocean, I felt it.

A peace and calm that came with my surrender.

I let go and surrendered to the ocean because “what could I do?”

I only had the ability to accept it.

Only when I let go and sank into the ocean was I able see the ocean as breathtaking in a beautiful kinda way.

And I guess that was my physical lesson for my emotional life as well.

It took me twenty plus years to learn that emotions are exactly like that ocean.

I can try to avoid them and shelter myself from them but that will only prolong and worsen the effects when I inevitably fall in.

My emotions like that ocean are most violent on the surface. I need to surrender to the emotions and go deep. Diving into the emotions and working through them makes sense to me in this way.

I think Im supposed to learn how to explore my emotions the same way I learned how to swim and dive.

Only then can I can start having the emotions, instead of running from or being them.