Expectations | Building Cushion Into Life

Learning to juggle my expectations

“One cannot stop the wind from blowing, nor refuse the pouring rain.” – Jordan Dryers

I Want Control

I remember sitting in a humanities class in 9th grade, listening to one of my worst teachers talk about Buddha and the eightfold path. Even though I disdained this instructor, I couldn’t help but hang on to every word about this dude who figured out Nirvana, some ultimate happiness. And I’ll never forget the idea that the root of all suffering is attachment.

I want control, and I suffer when I lose it because I’m attached to an imaginary outcome, to the safety of an illusion. I want things to “stick to the script” because I need them to.

I hate uncertainty. I need to know exactly how life will pan out for me and all of the steps that come before. This “need” is part of the reason why I enjoy planning so much. Plans give me structure and a false sense of security that I crave.

The need to feel in control is a normal feeling that gets in the way more than it helps accomplish or live life fully.

Life Rarely Happens How I Expect.

This may be a big shock, but life doesn’t always go according to plan! I know—wild, right? Of course, I know most of the world is out of my control, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to plan around those possibilities to secure some future I can bet on.

Naturally, all of these expectations for the future leave me defeated time and again. Funnily enough, with all of my planning, I never really planned for the one thing I actually could plan for: my plan to go absolutely, horribly wrong.

Look with your eyes

Instead of looking at the world through the lens of what I want it to be, I now try to accept it for exactly what I see.

• I expect my drive to take me 25 minutes, but there is construction on the road. I did not expect the construction, so its presence is frustrating. It’s frustrating because it doesn’t align with my predetermined plan.

• My boss is annoying and, in my opinion, lacks good leadership skills, which frustrates me. My expectation is that my boss shouldn’t be annoying and should be a great leader, so when the script doesn’t play out, I lose.

When I am able to accept that the construction is right in front of me and my boss is annoying, I get all of my power back from the situation because there is nothing I can do about it but be patient.

This doesn’t mean I have to deal with toxic or unhealthy environments, I think it’s important to be willing to challenge power structures and advocate for change.

Learning how to manage expectations for the world is important, as this allows me to be emotionally present and accepting of current situations. If I allow unmet expectations to influence my feelings and actions, I lose the opportunity to move forward and adapt to the problem at hand.

Expectation is the brain trying to prepare not to be surprised by a new situation, a totally absurd idea when almost everything is out of my control.

Practice Letting Expectations Go

Managing expectations can be done.

To start managing expectations a bit better, you must begin to actively monitor them. You need to be aware of the expectations you constantly have before you can begin to manage them.

Identify The Trigger

Record or Pause when you feel let down/frustrated by a situation.

If there are recurring letdowns that you already know about, then you can start there. If not, you must start taking notes every time something doesn’t go “your way” and bothers you.

Ex: Traffic, co-workers, relationships, Cam said they don’t like my music, etc.

Identify The Unmet Expectation

Once we know the trigger, we can identify the Expectation. This is what you hoped happened or wished they said instead of the reality of what happened. It is the idea you made up in your head that the real world SHOULD conform to.

Expectation: Cam and I are dating, so it would make me feel more connected if we enjoyed the same music. Or Cam should enjoy the same music as me because we are dating.

Question and Accept

We can combat expectations with questions and logic.

Now that we know what we expect to happen, we can start to minimize the little voice in our heads that tries to protect us from illusions.

• Why should this happen that way?

• Why should you never have a disagreement that challenges you?

• Why should everyone speak kindly to you?

• Why should the road and weather be clear and convenient?

Nothing has to be a certain way, except maybe natural laws. All other things can and will deviate from our plans at some point. We, individually and collectively, do not control reality.

What If my expectations of this thing were to do exactly what it’s doing?

Accept that the thing right in front of you is what is supposed to be happening instead of trying to cling to the made-up reality in your head.

Someone is rude to you right now. Yes, it is uncomfortable, but holding on to the idea that they shouldn’t hurt you is more harmful than accepting.

It is hard to accept that the world is going to happen in unexpected ways and that you’ll have to constantly adjust, but expecting reality feels a lot more reassuring than constant letdowns.